Those in peril❤🌼

It's a little after the devil's hour and all you can do is ask yourself.  "Where's the sunshine in my cloudy life?"   The little ray of light to once again give me courage. Courage to continue this fight. Courage to not spiral out of control. To not cut myself. To not drug. To not cry. To not get swallowed into the dark depth and prison in my mind? Courage to live yet another day.  And then you realize you've been pushed far too long even beyond the boundaries you never thought you would cross.  So much solace, so much love yet also so much inflicted pain. How is it possible to have all of these things that are so different from each other.  What happens when you feel yourself surely drifting away. Slowly but definitely. Yet you let yourself be carried away because you're hopeful. Hopeful that the outcome will be different this time. That even when people see through all your scars and chaos , it won't drive them away. And then you realize the naivety ...

It's been over year since i left this place.  I honestly thought I'd never come back. Never thought I'd have the heart to. But i wanna talk about how nothing is permanent in this life. Wanna talk about how one thing can happen and set you back for good. I read somewhere that death doesn't discriminate. And i never trully understood it until now. When they said you never really feel it until it's close to home, this is it. I guess maybe it's because when it's so new to you , it may feel so foreign yet it will consume you greatly. All that's been on my mind lately is "Death took from me." It robbed me of an important part of my life.  It all makes me so angry. And you start to wonder how it's possible to fit so much resentment, so much rage inside such a small person like myself. It's dark. Dangerous. It's like a hurricane wrapped inside a chrysalis. But not in the way Lang Leav Meant it. This is definitely only easy to underst...

Little me.  I wish i could have written this sooner.  I wish i knew then what i know now.  I wish i could have found a way to protect you from all the hurt they're going to inflict on you.  If only i could have equipped you better to fight back. If only i had known things would turn out this way and discouraged you from hoping and believing too much.  Maybe it would have avoided the look of disappointment that will be on your face a few years down the line 🤷🏽‍♀️. I wish i had known sooner how cruel the world could be and maybe you would have made less mistakes in the future. Maybe if i had told you to lower your expectations they'd be fewer things to regret.  Maybe you wouldn't trust so easily.  Love so blindly. Maybe if i had known you would have figured out the right things to prioritize on. I wish i knew back then the importance of keeping God close. Maybe you wouldn't have to lose your faith nor yourself along the way.  I wish i could have t...

It took me 18 long years to finally find my place in the world🥺❤️✊🏾  I came from underestimating myself and my purpose to really believing that I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE  [Psalms 139: 14] That verse has worked me through all my insecurities and the many phases i go through. Living by it has allowed me to be okay about the person i am growin into.  I tell myself every morning that i am enough.  I tell myself i am beautiful🤍.  I tell myself that i am strong willed and it allows me to carry on in a world that belittles women.  In a world where i am supposed to live in fear i tell myself that i am smart and intellectual🤍.  I tell myself that i will make it to great heights one day🤍.  I tell myself that i am inherently valuable just like any other🤍 I believe that just like the ocean, i too am a lot of things. For one a pretty sight to look at and fun yet at the same time so deadly.  I can also be a home to many. I have been learnin...

You ever just sit out at night and stare into that dark, blank space? See and feel all those things that could have been, should have been? Yeah me too. Let me let you in on my fears, things I'm so scared to let happen.  I have metathesiophobia🥺❤‍🩹.  What does this mean? I have a phobia of change or changing things. I can easily adopt to anything and everything but change. Obviously for a lot of good reasons. Change makes me nervous , anxious. It scares me not be in control. I can't be the only one struggling with this. I'm sure someone is out there asking why me? Why can't it all just stay the same? Perfect? Why am i the one that has to do it differently? Why can't i keep the things I've been fighting so hard to keep? My answer to this is that maybe you've been fighting for the wrong things all along. And also maybe the change you dread so much isn't as bad as you think ? There's always some good in the bad right? A blessing in disguise? I...

Just realized that exposure to social media made me grow into the one being i promised myself I'd never be.  When Nf said that " the internet isn't the right place to find self-worth" i felt that. Yes, i can't deny that in most cases social media can give a boost to ones confidence, it can make you feel like you belong. I even agree that friends we meet on social media are great. The internet can be a great weapon when it comes to interaction and finding a connection with ourselves and others. At the end of the day for me it all comes down to this:  All social media has done is make me feel more insecure about what and who i am, about what i need to have. I realized that it moulded me into a person i don't recognize. I grew up as a child that had dreams🌱 Had great ambitions 🌱 Always been outspoken 🌱 And now?  I've been bullied into silence, into withdrawal. I do eveything with constant fear of criticism , fear of not being accepted into the social ci...