A hurricane wrapped inside a chrysalis 💙

Earlier today, I read something like " perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it's because we're so dangerously close to wanting nothing." I felt that. 

So i figured that perhaps the reason I try so hard,  work so hard, the reason i do my best even when it's the last thing I want to do is because somehow I always manage to convince myself It's better than the alternative.

It's better than giving in, better than letting the hurricane catch up and consume me whole. I tell myself that I have to hope. I have to want. I have to look forward to something, because i don't like who I am when I've given up. When I'm beaten to the pulp.

My friends have often heard me ask myself numerous times if I'm damaged or broken. Am I? If the answer is yes, can one truly come back and recover from that? Maybe. Maybe not.

I hear the phantoms grounding in my ears. My heart is beating out of my chest. The sound is deafening. One can only run from their demons for so long. 

What do I do then? When they finally catch up with me. And there's no where to hide, nowhere to seek solace? Do I drown myself in my thoughts and pray that I make it out on the other side just fine? Do I face them head-on and pretend I'm not afraid even though that's nowhere near the truth? Or do I block out the faint whispers and pretend I can't hear them and hope that if I pretend long enough, they'll dissappear all at once? 

So much going on inside this lost little mind of mine. And I begin to ask myself, if somebody saw that I was drowning and trying my best to stay above the water. And they threw me a lifeline, would I take it? Or am I far too gone? What does that say about me as a person? Where does that place me? But not to worry because even my most disturbing thoughts in their most raw form will certainly not negate how I choose to go from here.