5𝓪𝓶 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓸𝓼 𝓲𝓽 𝓫𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼

It's a little after the devil's hour and all you can do is ask yourself. 

"Where's the sunshine in my cloudy life?"  The little ray of light to once again give me courage. Courage to continue this fight. Courage to not spiral out of control. To not cut myself. To not drug. To not cry. To not get swallowed into the dark depth and prison in my mind? Courage to live yet another day. 

And then you realize you've been pushed far too long even beyond the boundaries you never thought you would cross.  So much solace, so much love yet also so much inflicted pain. How is it possible to have all of these things that are so different from each other. 

What happens when you feel yourself surely drifting away. Slowly but definitely. Yet you let yourself be carried away because you're hopeful. Hopeful that the outcome will be different this time. That even when people see through all your scars and chaos , it won't drive them away. And then you realize the naivety in that whole scenario.

Sometimes you truly just want to be heard, to share the load. But that can't happen without making it all about you can it?... you frequently think to yourself. Why burden others with your twisted thoughts. When they have their own solid and vivid lives to live? 

What does one do then? Give up the fight? 

You feel it happening again. You don't want to do this again. You can't fight it. You don't have it in you anymore. 

But you also realize you have no orher choice because that's what allowing yourself to become vulnerable gets you. Allowing yourself to feel. To live. 

Damn. These feels.

𝓝𝓿𝓶... 𝓕𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓾𝓷𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓮