The words of a bleeding heart 🥺💔

It's been over year since i left this place. 

I honestly thought I'd never come back. Never thought I'd have the heart to. But i wanna talk about how nothing is permanent in this life. Wanna talk about how one thing can happen and set you back for good. I read somewhere that death doesn't discriminate. And i never trully understood it until now. When they said you never really feel it until it's close to home, this is it. I guess maybe it's because when it's so new to you , it may feel so foreign yet it will consume you greatly. All that's been on my mind lately is "Death took from me." It robbed me of an important part of my life. 

It all makes me so angry. And you start to wonder how it's possible to fit so much resentment, so much rage inside such a small person like myself. It's dark. Dangerous. It's like a hurricane wrapped inside a chrysalis. But not in the way Lang Leav Meant it. This is definitely only easy to understand if you feel things as deeply as i do. 

Some days you're thriving, doing your best to move past it. But somedays are always harder than others. There comes a time when all the things you've been shielding yourself from finally break through. And they start to weigh you down. And when this happens you never really know what to do with it. These phases are scary. 

You see how dominos work? How all things in the universe are interconnected? What do i mean? One thing is always attached to another. If you tug at one, the rest all come crumbling down. So you start to string along every ounce of hurt, It all starts To pile up. And I've tried so hard to acknowledge it. But how can i? No. It's not denial. I'm just hurting. Like anybody would be. It feels so wrong. So unjust. But who am i to question God's will? What comfort is there for a grieving heart? What hurts is that i can never go back to the same home. I can never expect those warm arms to welcome me. And at the end of the day you're left with so many memories , so many life lessons.so many expectations for the future. So many dreams that person won't be here to watch me realise.

Somedays i wake up and the wound's fresh all over again. Like i said, these phases are scary. I die a different death everyday when i realize that's how it's gonna be from now on. But i heard it gets better with time. How do you guys do it? Because i don't foresee a day where it will hurt a little less than it does now. 

Beyonce wasn't wrong for saying that heaven doesn't wait for anyone. But what happens to those of us left behind? With bleeding and heavy hearts. Those of us left to pick up the scattered pieces. What happens if the memories alone aren't enough? I guess it's things like these that teach us to not take anyone and anything in our lives for granted. To live our lives to the fullest. Teach us that one day in a single moment even you yourself will be non- existant. 

The funny thing is that After a good cry and listening to comfort music. You snap out if it eventually and start to live on. We just have to soldier on yeah?